Jesus Take the Wheel

14th Dec 2009,

It's midnight, am still awake. Trying to put my thoughts in order before the end of the day. Today will be the last night I spend with this house. Going to shift to another street as the landlord moving in tomorrow. Changes, one after another. Am learning to embrace changes as part and parcel of life. Probably 2010 will be more to come, entering a new phase of life - having another person in my life. Am learning to allow God to lead, rather than taking control of things with my own hands. Let Jesus take the wheel...

Jesus, Take the Wheel

--------------------------
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Back to the Basic

8th November 2009,

It's 8pm, am struggling hard to think how do I begin, after such long silence in the blog. Looking back my previous blog, am encouraged to see the "Shirley" that able to express her heart freely. Am evaluating the Shirley now - quiet, emotionless, without any expression. As if she has just been given with high dose injection of anesthetic & getting numb with her feeling. Just can't find the light on her face. **Sigh** What a depressive blog introduction to begin with.

Am home - not home in Penang, but home in Singapore. Blogging from the usual place, the exact location I used to sit - in front of the computer with the fan blowing on my face. Went to JB yesterday, just wanna get away from Singapore. Stayed with Celina, don't want to stay alone. Gavin is back in Ipoh, preparing for wedding matters. Celina is now out with friend & I was too tired to follow. Work has taken a whole lot of me, getting tired so easily. Been 5 months plus in Singapore and am still floating. Am just wondering.. what is God purpose for me here? Or is it me that refused to see the light at end of the tunnel? What am I passionate about in life? I need to find back the passion in me. No, I can't remain the state that I am.. it gonna kill me with such negativism. It's a matter of choice. Again and again it's a matter of choice... but why I just can't overcome it.. feeling so defeated and aimless in life. Wonder what good God has installed for us here.. Singapore? So that we can be together? So that we can learned to walk out of our comfort zone? So that we can stretched our faith? There must be more than this...

What the future holds? What about after our wedding.. But if we were to know everything that is laid down for us, what gonna happen 5 years down the road, if we already know and able to see the future, then why more do we need God, or even to have faith? Where is my trust now? Am I trusting man and the things of the world, the things that is seen, or am I trusting the God who is unseen but faithful to the end. Maybe I just need to hold on to something, am feeling am floating - imagine myself floating in the air and couldn't even grab hold of anything.. at any second am about to fall and break into pieces.

Hey, hold on to Him... back to the basic, the fundamental truth of trusting Him and loving Him with the simple childlike faith. Chien Kuan said, she wished to find back her innocence. Me? I need to go back to that childlike simple trust, trusting Daddy's love and His hands that take hold of me. Even when I am about to fall, I need to believe that He is there.. HERE... in front of me, waiting to embrace me, and say "It's okay, it's okay, you are safe with me". I need the assurance that I am not walking alone, am not venturing into the unknown with my own strength. He is always by my side, maybe sometimes I shut myself from Him, thinking that I don't deserve that love, when I keep failing, I can't be better, He must be disappointed with me...

Oh Daddy am so tired. I really feel like giving up. Am not sure anymore... I've lost the joy. Search me and know me, search me through and through. See if there is any offensive ways in me, lead me to Your everlasting. Teach me not to hold it so tight that I loose sight of You, but help me to let loose, to open up and to allow You to take over... Please Daddy, come and take over.. Take over my heart, my mind, my soul. Take over, I don't know how to drive anymore,.. take over the front seat, let me take the passenger seat.

Lamentations 5:15-22

¹⁵ Joy is gone from our hearts;
our dancing has turned to mourning.

¹⁶ The crown has fallen from our head.
Woe to us, for we have sinned!

¹⁷ Because of this our hearts are faint,
because of these things our eyes grow dim

¹⁸ for Mount Zion, which lies desolate,
with jackals prowling over it.

¹⁹ You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.

²⁰ Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?

²¹ Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old

²² unless you have utterly rejected us

and are angry with us beyond measure.

His Eyes is on the Sparrow

6th August 2009,

It's 11pm, I supposed to study while Gavin is sleeping but after reading few pages of BNF really bored me down, mind can't concentrate, and computer is just in front. So here I am glued to it now.. 2 months in Singapore, am still trying to pace myself in the environment.

** Blog truncated **

I'm Amazed by You

18th July 2009

5.15pm Saturday. Home alone. Mum went out with Celina, visit Trinity Church, myself too tired to go out.. so prefer stay home and rest for the weekend. Gavin is away till Mon.. the home is quiet, and I am sitting at the couch, laptop on my lap, turbofan blowing my sweaty face.

Been one and a month working in Singapore. Turning back the clock of time, I remember how I sweat profusely everytime I walk to work, or walk to MRT. Now my body kind of tune up to the temperature in Singapore. It's now my mum's turn to experience the difficulties of walking around Sg. Mum has been here for a week plus, felt bad didn't really take her out to explore Singapore. Me being unadventurous person, prefer spending time staying home rather than traveling around town. Enough of extensive walking and running around during work time, weekend will usually be time to be still at home, having my own pace and quiet time to rejuvenate and refresh before the next rat race.

The week has been well.. and gets better each day. I remember I prayed to God to send me friend in NUH, someone I can connect, rather than doing things alone and still analyzing the different people with different attitude in workplace. God answered my prayer. After a month here, one morning I just got to know there will be another girl joining us. And there she is, tall girl.. as usual new pharmacist need to be attached with SPT before doing any ward. I was too busy to even talk to her... As the days passed, I have the chance to talk to her and got to know we have many common friends, plus.. attend the same Orientation and church.. guess we develop some bond.

I thank God for Chien Kuan, she has been a good Christian role model to me - I admired her bubbly character and positive attitude, the attributes I don't really have. Even am older than her, it was a shame that she encouraged me more than I do to her.. I must stop complaining or murmuring, but to put on the cheerful side, positive mindset. Gavin said people like to stick to bubbly person. I am not an open person, will take longer for me to connect to people. Chien Kuan is the opposite, she is very friendly.. even she can talk to the aunty clearing the plates in the canteen, and our porter uncle. Wow.. myself a bit passive and shy. First impression, cold girl. Yes No?

Things has been moving fast.. a month plus after residing in Singapore, finally here it comes, the sweet proposal from Gavin, and the unexpected gift of love. July 7th - The whole scene is still fresh and vividly stored in my mind, the sincere heart, the much effort and well planned proposal - definitely I will say Yes, I do! And we will be moving towards marriage.. soon. Greater challenges ahead of us, but the joy is promosing and definitely much to look forward to. 5 months more, before we walk down the aisle... As I reflect back our first meeting, and the struggles we faced, the distanced relationship and now.. the awaited moment, my heart overflow with amazement how God brought us together. The puzzle now slowly fit into a beautiful picture. Wedding is just a moment, maybe 1-2 hours.. but marriage is lifetime, in sickness and in health... till death do us apart. Let Him be our bond, the centre that the two shall become one, in Him.

Give me a break, Lord

20th June 2009,

11.15pm, blogging from Singapore, sitting on the couch, full blast fan blowing on my red rosy face.. thinking how to put my thoughts in words. It has been 3 weeks working in Singapore. And in a new environment; totally reverse and so vast different. Work has been fast pace and I am trying to catch up fast. Chasing after time. Singapore pharmacists work very hard, unlike Malaysia.. Here nurses are pampered, the opposite I think pharmacists are overloaded. However, according to my senior pharmacist, the learning curve is huge and the experience are rewarding.

I really miss home. Don't know why, I can miss home every weekends, miss mum more when I received her sms or even talk to her. Miss my friends in Penang, my hospital and the familiar ground. Here everything new, and I really hate traveling with public transport. 3 weeks has gone yet I still not used to it. Am I making myself more tiring by hating the change? Reflecting back, my heels were bleeding and full of blisters first day of work, walking a lot. 4th day I fell down on the roadside because of the cheap high heel shoe, thus injured my left knee -bleed. Now, guess my skin growing thicker, and slowly trained to get used to the abrasion and force.

All that has happened, each wrapped with every new adventures as the day passed by. As I tried to settle down in my workplace and sort of getting more familiar with the workflow, there suddenly comes a call from my boss assisstant asking me to meet boss during lunch. Thought maybe he wants to see my progress after more than 2 weeks of work, but to my surprise.. he has something more challenging for me. He wants me to take up a new portfolio, to be Inpatient In Charged. Hey, are You kidding me, Lord? I am just so happily out of the Management position, and now less than a month of working in unknown world, this man who don't even know much about me asking me to be In-Charged? You must be joking man... I almost fall off my chair. And this man in front of me was non stop 'preaching' to me about You and that whatever his achievement is all because of You. Oh man... What should be my response?

Searching my heart, I never wanted to be Manager, can I just be a normal submissive worker or co-worker who can just take instruction from superior and perform whichever task allocated for me? Maybe God knows am too easily get contented and complacent and He wants to push me further, to extend my tent, to test my limitation?

Lord, can You please give me a break, not this one Lord.. Can I say No, No, No please No.. But if it's Your Will, and really it's You, then let Your Will be done, and not my will. Lord, if it is really from You, You got to help me pull it through, this not gonna be easy, am dealing with Singaporean and International Standard. You enable me, not because I am able, but You are Lord, You are. The days ahead gonna be really challenging, help me to appreciate the journey and not just focus on the destination.. and I am gonna journey it with Him, You who are in me, is greater than those who is in the world.

Taking Each Day as a Gift from God

29th May 2009,

5.40pm Friday afternoon.  Blogging from my new place in Singapore, my second home. Sitting on the floor with the notebook on my lap and in front of me is the full blast fan blowing towards my face. Am drenched with sweat, it's really really scorning hot here. Wonder why Singapore can be that burning hot than Penang, both are island. Sigh, getting headache and feel like throwing up. Tried to take afternoon nap also can't seem to doze off, guess my brain still processing what to do next, and my body still trying to adjust to the new environment. I prayed for rains... Let His rains come down and wash over the earth, grant us cooling weather.

Today is simple, cook some desert - "White Fungus Barley Pak Koh", good to cool down the body.  Still warm, need to wait for it to cool down before put it in the fridge. Am waiting for Gavin to come back from work. Initially thought of wanting to cook for dinner, but the weather too hot, and I don't have the mood and inspiration to cook, next time la. Took a bus to NUH just now, Bus No.198. According to the streetdirectory website, the estimated journey should be less than 30mins but it took me 35mins to reach NUH. Really not used to the life in Sg, need to walk and take public transport.. and wait for buses. Found a new route to and fro NUH. There're free shuttle to NUH from Dover MRT, and it is quite frequent, every 10mins. So I have another alternative, can walk 10mins to Lakeside MRT, then 11mins to Dover MRT, and another 10mins to NUH, also almost around the same duration as bus. So I should probably estimate 40-45mins travel time to work. 

My feet bleed from walking, maybe cos wearing bad shoes. Am afraid, and still afraid of the changes... The fear is still there, fear of the unknown, fear whether able to cope with the stressful life, fear that my thyroid will get worsen with the stress? Fear whether mum will be alright at home alone, fear whether this relationship will able to work out. All the unnecessary fear.. Perfect love drives out fear... I shouldn't have dwell in the negative, but to fix my eyes on the cross. He who started a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. Just trust Him, and walk each step and each day as a gift from God. To enjoy the little little things in life, the simple pleasures of life. 

Let my heart be steadfast Lord, be steadfast in You, unshakable.. and to always be still, knowing Daddy will lead me through whatever storms of life, whatever it comes...  And it's a journey, and going to be an exciting journey. Let's start anew, afresh... with Him beside me and learn to fall in love with Him once again, deeper in love.. not to be distracted but to keep my relationship with God alive.. just like a little child holding Daddy's hands.. walking the road.

Random Thoughts and Updates

20th May 2009,

3.57pm Wednesday. Am sitting on my couch, with the laptop on my lap while mum is sitting beside me, watching Hokkein show. Reached Penang safely this morning. Didn't oversleep. Has learned from my first experience overslept in the bus until I don't realise it has passed Penang. In the end, the driver just dumped me at some unknown roadside and I need to find my own way to the Jetty, with my half opened eyes and baggages.. imagine that. One of the unforgettable experience. So am a little smarter now, make a habit to set my alarm each time I travel by bus, to & fro Penang, don't want to end up in alien places. See.. Shirley such a piglet, can sleep so soundly in the bus. That shows how tired I am..

Yes, am so tired. Singapore life is never any bed of roses. The biggest challenge for me is to take public transport. Unlike Penang, I can just start my car engine and drive to anywhere & everywhere I like, whereas in Singapore if you want to go from one place to another, first you need to open up your SMART map, or StreetDirectory and check thoroughly which are the nearest MRT or buses, unless you have GPRS.. just like what Victor has. Car considers as one of the luxury in Sg and for those who has none, we depends a lot on Bus 11 (our two legs) and a pair of GOOD shoe - walk and walk and walk, and for me - sweat and sweat and sweat. According to Gavin, you don't need to go any gym to loose weight, the everyday walking will somehow burn the daily calories or fats in you. Huh! So I got to measure my weight before and say 3 months after Sg stay to see how true is that? Celina seems to worry much about me, knowing me as comfy gal & hommy and just so settled in Penang, life in Singapore definitely will be great challenges for me. Don't know how long it takes for me to cope with the life. It's still too early to gauge whether Singapore is the ideal pace to settle down, raise a family etc. Still prefer Penang... But at least 2 years, minimal 2 years to test the ground and see where God lead from here.

So you may asked, then Why? Why you move then? Guess God work in His own ways. Sometimes He just want us to experience some pinch of life to get us learn ONE lesson. And I know I've been complacent, too comfortable and ignorant about things in Penang. Being a mediocre, Singapore will offer a change of my perspective on things in life?? I don't know, whether it is the RIGHT move, but I know that God is into this.. and I am not walking alone, and it is not solely because of Gavin,.. yes he is a big part of the move, but there are other areas which all combined together moved me into such decision, and it is definitely not a haste one. So now that I've decided, am gonna just close my eyes, hold His hands and walk.. whichever turning He leads I will follow, knowing I will not go wrong if I follow the great Shepherd.

This transition somehow opened my eyes to the people I hold dear in my life. Celina mentioned the other day that I am so blessed in Penang because of so many close friends I have, whether church or non-church friends. She said if I am in troubles, I can just picked up the phone, any frens will definitely avail themself to come to assist. Celina is the opposite way, don't have much friends in common here in JB and she's all left alone. Even with the traumatic robbery experience, she was all alone to cope. And that trained her to be strong, and independant and God is her only source of dependant. I am encouraged by her expereinces and I need to learn to be thankful and NOT complain, grumble or murmurs of my 'small' difficulties. Celina has been strong, and I thank God for such a wonderful sister, that always speaking out the truth in love, speaking words of wisdom into my life. I am ashamed, being the elder sister.. I should 'jaga' her more than she 'jaga' me.

I thank God for mum.. yep, eventhough sometimes I can't stand her naggings and there were little arguements here and there, but I am so touched by her love for me. How she prepared me breakfasts and all the meals readily served on the table, how can I take her love for granted? Simple and loving mum.. love to watch TV and play Suduko, and just stay at home, doing the simple things.. she is just so lovable. When I sicked or down, she offered her arms to hug me. I will miss the moment, to quietly kiss her and hug her before sleep.

I thank God for Becky, she is just so available, eventhough she can always say NO to me, but she always want to be there for me whenever I need her, a friend and sister I can count on, and I wish her happiness.. that she will find.. or someday someone WILL FIND HER, someone she loves and someone who loves her so much.

I thank God for Gavin.. the love of my life. He makes me THINK, he makes my mind to open up to more new things in life. He leads us to pray together everynight before we sleep. He inspired me on the 'Meaning and Purpose in Life". I will always love him, and all of him.. Let our jagged imperfection to fit in well, to complement, and to bring out the best in each other.

I thank God for my CG, they are special bunch of people who accept me the way I am. I thank God for my Pharmacy staff, who able to tolerate my style, my boss- who has been so supportive throughout my years working in Gleneagles, who has now been my FB friend =).

I am so blessed by the many things evolved in my life, and am going to treasure the moments as I journey through the different seasons and phases. THANK YOU, everyone of you!

Thunderstorm Thoughts

April 21, 2009
Thunderstorm Thoughts
READ: Matthew 8:23-27
The God of peace will be with you. —Philippians 4:9

12.30am, Ya right am still awake! Has been staying up late most of the days. Still alert now, maybe bcos I drink too much of tea? And it's raining outside, stormy weather huh?... Was very enlighten as I read today's ODB. Am so encouraged, as it's a timely Word He has for us with the current economic turmoils and work pressures, it's so easy for us to loose sight and loose trust of His Omnipotence. Thanks to our wandering mind.. which trying to be in-control. We are just to afraid to loose grip & control of the circumstances and things around us. We are just being insecure, magnifying our problems and drowning into it. Oh man of little Faith, why can't we just stop worrying and jut hold to the anchor- firm, secure, strong and unshakable.. May He be the peace that guard our heart and mind STEADFAST in Him.. READ ON & Be Encouraged!

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

I’ve heard thunderstorms in my head, and maybe you have too. It happens when a tragedy occurs—to us, to someone close to us, or to someone we hear about in the news. Our minds become a tempest of “what if” questions. We focus on all the possible bad outcomes. Our fear, worry, and trust in God fluctuate as we wait, we pray, we grieve, and we wonder what the Lord will do. It’s natural for us to be fearful in a storm (literal or figurative). The disciples had Jesus right there in the boat with them, yet they were afraid (Matt. 8:23-27). He used the calming of the storm as a lesson to show them who He was—a powerful God who also cares for them.

We wish that Jesus would always calm the storms of our life as He calmed the storm for the disciples that day. But we can find moments of peace when we’re anchored to the truth that He’s in the boat with us and He cares. — Anne Cetas

Fierce drives the storm, but wind and waves

Within His hand are held,

And trusting His omnipotence

My fears are sweetly quelled. —Brown

To realize the worth of the anchor, we need to feel the stress of the storm.

No turning back, No turning back

16th April 2009,

11.40pm, Thursday night. Am sitting in the living room, have the sudden urge to scrabble something on my blog before I go to sleep. Was thinking what should be the title of my blog today? Been 3 months since my last blog, and as I read it through and through, wow.. can't believe there are so many changes & decisions that have been finalised. So I gonna put it as: "No Turning Back, No Turning Back". I remember we usually sing this song during baptism service; my baptism in FGC and also EPCC baptism.. we will sing this song after someone immersed in and out of the pool or beach. " I have decided, to follow Jesus (3x). No turning back, no turning back".

Same sentiment here, I have decided to venture with Jesus, into the land full of lions, a place of adventures, something unknown, everthing new... Regardless, I will not look back, but only to look forward. I thank God for His guidance in bringing me to such decision. I truly believe that this decision is never my own, because I know that from the start I've put it down His feet.. His Will be done, His Will be done. I praise Him and thank Him, as I reflected back how far He has lead me. Things were just arranged in such timely manner and in His time, Yes i His Time... He made everything beautiful in His time. I refuse to fred or be anxious, for I know He holds me close to His heart, and He will never ever leave me alone ithis race that I run. I have a dream, for the road that I am about to venture.. It may be a long.. Yea, the road may be long and unending, probably winding and full of challenges, yet my heart trusted in Him, I shall have no fear.

My last day in Gleneagles is 16th May, but may plan to leave 3 days earlier which means 13th May. Have not prepare anything. I have a whole long list of what required to do before leaving Pg, and I have only a month to go.. Got to start going, start to entangle one by one. I gonna miss a lot of things... esp. Mum. I still have such burden. Each time people talk about me leaving Penang, the first question they will popped out: How about your mum? And I overheard mum talking to Aunty just a while ago, I can sense her 'loneliness' if I leave. Say I selfish or whatsoever, I really wish Celina able to make it back to Penang. I really wish she can get the Danone job. But I know she is not so keen, maybe she feels it's not the right time.. I don't know. God know the best for us, I can't put Him in a box, or get Him to fulfill my selfish wish-list, but I want to trust Him.. if we asked for bread, will He ever gives us stone.. He who provides for the birds of the air and the lilies on the field will He not give us His best?... How can we doubt on His provision? His will be done.. and am gonna spread my wings and fly, and fly and fly.. and to soar on Eagles' wings, to see the other side of the world. And continue to trust that He is with me forever...

Faith of a Little Child

20th January 2009

11.30pm, home. Browsing through few Pharmacy sites that offer CME courses. Realise that my Pharmacopherapy knowledge has seems to dip down a lot. Been in administration and management for a while, less touching on clinical side. Ya, guess it's time for me to brush up my knowledge, which wil definitely be useful in the near future.

Celina called a while ago, sharing on the company's bonus, less than last year. And I just got my RM200 CNY angpow from GMC today. Even though it's RM200 lesser than last year, at least something better than nothing. The global recession really hitting hard on every industries and healthcare is not exception. Not too sure if government hospital is affected, but definitely private can see a significant lower volume. Scary to think of it.. working real hard in 2008 for JCI and MSQH preparation but just because of economic downturn company using such excuses to cut increment, bonuses and no need to mention about performance incentives lar. Am still hoping though.. maybe I should go and ask tomorrow.. but whatever the result, gonna accept it and move on. Need to learn to be thankful, not only in good times, but also in bad times.

Read today's ODB,
James tells us that when we ask God for wisdom, the key to His response is whether or not we are asking “in faith” (1:6). God is pleased when we approach Him with unwavering faith. So leave your doubt at the door and follow the protocol: Approach God with a heart of faith, and He will be pleased to provide all the wisdom you need.

Yes, am kinda weary of what the future holds.. 2009 will definitely be a challenging year. A year filled with loads of CHANGES, and CHALLENGES and COMMITTMENTS. Am I ready for that? Am I just looking at the surface and hearing my own voice, or God's voice? I need the wisdom, more wisdom and dicerment to make decision,.. I don't wanna make decision of my own, I want to include Him in this decision, and trust Him.. ya, faith like a little child. Am not sure whether am gonna make it, but Daddy is holding my hands in this race that I run... And I am not running alone. Gonna have faith like a little child.

God, give me the faith of a little child! A faith that will look to Thee—That never will falter and never fail, But follow Thee trustingly. —Showerman

The Invasion of Vision...

11st January 2009,

10pm, am sitting in the living room, on my couch with my headphone (yes, I look like receptionst, you should see how I look now). Am listening to my favourite Avalon album. Laptop on my lap.. while typing & blogging as the music plays. Trying to come back to my normal blogging habits which I used to love doing in my freetime. Now that I have unlimited internet assess at home, other than downloading stuff, facebook, chatting & surfing.. ya now I should continue to blog, to learn to express again, to learn to open up my heart in words again.

Yes, today's sermon is good. The sermon title is "Invasion on Vision".. Persevering our passion and vision. (Ezra 4:1-24). Briefly talking on the people of God, Judah and Benjamin, who builds a temple (the house of God), and how they persevere through the many attacks and invasion of the enemy that trying to stop their plan. There are 3 attacks of the enemy that we can learn from the passage in Ezra. (1) Compromising, (2) Confusion- mind attack and (3) Legistration (governance and law), which can hinder us from persuing our vision. As for me, I can identify on the first two. With the current cyber world, you can assess any informations with a fingertip into the internet.. the worldly approach, wordly system and scheme that easily entice us, into many different kind of temptations. Yes, I can be a cyber-addict.. I can just sit down on the computer and close myself from other fellowship, just spending time with computer, how unhealthy. Sometimes when I get back from the office, I'll straight go to my laptop, without even talking to mum. This must be stopped!... That is the reason I refused to put up internet connection at home for so long. But now, I just need to learn to practise self-control.

As for aligning with the vision of the church, I know I've not been passionate as I used to be. I wonder will every 'old' Christian experience such different stages? How do you evaluate whether you are 'passionate'? Serving actively in church, reading Bible more, or praying more? It's all about choices, that's what Becky said... no one can judge or gauge on the level of passion. It's you alone to judge it yourself. It's your RELATIONSHIP with God, how much you falling in love with Him, that determine your passion? I must admit I don't do my devotion consistently, sometimes I don't talk to Him, it's shameful to speak, we can read our lover letters/smses time after time and never get bored with it, what more the Word of God! Attack no (2), on the mind... creating confusion... oh how many times I've been so negative on so many things?...

A Christian can experienced so much of the attacks and difficulties, what more those who don't even know Jesus. I should be thankful, at least Daddy is always there guiding us through. And we have the Words of the Living God, but are we utilising it?

2009 - A Year of Restructuring

8th January 2009,

11.40pm, Thursday night. This is my first blog entry in 2009. Went to Media Meeting just now, SC shared on "Restructing our Love" for the second time. Am touched again. EPCC theme for this year is A Year of Restructuring - to start with restructuring our love first. The theme is so relevant to us - LOVE is the core of all, the foundation of our faith and action.

I quoted part of the message from Pastor Sam:
"We praise God for a good number of people already active in serving. But we are looking further into just serving in the church ministries. We are looking ito creating a culture of healthy serving and caring of church members. We want ours church members who care ad bear with each other's needs ad develop not only skill to serve but also HEART to LOVE and HONOUR one another...."

Am evaluating myself, my heart. Am I truly firm and secure in love, at least first being secure in Him. I guess maybe I am lacking of that foundation.. and easily swayed around with circumstances and temptation. It's time, it's time.. to restructure my heart, my LOVE for Him, my passions and vision. FOCUS Shirley, stayed FOCUS!!... Be firmly rooted. I was reminded again and again of Hebs,.. Let us throw off everthing that hinders and sin that so easily entangles... RUN, Perseveres on the race set for us. FIX our eyes in Him.. It's abou actions, choices, initiatives... Do it Shirley... Don't give up! Come back from your detour, Come back!

Hebrews 12:1
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I always thank God for bringng so many wonderful people crossing my path. Godly man and women, they are so ever encouraging, set examples of Godly leadership. My thousands thanks to Becky (not only my CGL but my closest friend in EPCC), Ps Mei (powerful Words, always point us to Christ), Tze Han (humble, simple but great leader)& Celina (eventhough she's younger than me, but spiritually she's like a che che to me...shame on Shirley eh?):PP I need to stop sitting on the fence, but to come down and just do it! Just do it!

Heb12:12 Therefore... strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.

2009- I WANT to renew my love for Him, and renew my spiritual vitality... for His service! But first.. RESTRUCTURING of my LOVE.